Body rash

As I'm typing this, I'm actually suffering from a rather bad case of body rash. Tossing and turning at night during my sleep, scratching, twitching and fidgeting every now and then... it drives me to think that at one point of their lives, Michael Jackson, MC Hammer and Madonna all had a case of body rash.

Drunk Sumo Wrestler

Here's a new thing to try.

1. Place video camera on tripod and start recording.
2. Get an office chair. Sit on the office chair.
3. Make sure you're in the camera's view with the scene capturing your entire body and a couple of feet above your head.
4. Allow a friend to spin you clockwise for about 1 minute at a constant speed.
5. Make sure your eyes are closed at all times.
6. A minute later, when the chair stops, stand up (still with eyes closed) and do one of those "leg thumps" that Sumo wrestlers do before each match.
7. Post video on Youtube entitled "Drunk Sumo Wrestler".

Fat Chance

I recall many using this phrase "Fat chance!" and I'm actually puzzled by how it came about.

- Fat chance! (informal) something that you say which means something is not very likely to happen.

I'm puzzled because... well, I don't know about most of you but, my idea of something fat is well, something large. Like in "Honey, do you think my butt looks fat?" or "I have just received a fat pay check today!" or "My goodness! That's a fat cat!"

So if that's my idea of "fat" then "fat chance" would then mean "huge chance".

"Do you think I stand a chance with that girl mate?" - "yea mate! fat chance!"

with that, I'd be walking up to the girl.


Ok, as I was typing this, I actually realised that there's also a phrase "Slim chance"

I checked it out on the dictionary:
Noun 1. Slim Chance - Little or no chance of success.

WHAT???? So which is it? If my chances are fat, success is not very likely to happen. If my chances are slim, I stand little or no chance of success...

Such a superficial world out there. Even our idioms are vain.

Wise sayings again

"Vinegar and grapes go together like convertibles and man with toupee."

"Golf is as exciting as two mimes attempting to outdo each other."

"Flying bees with bare-bodied man = Macho Man."

"in hospital."

"Forgetting girlfriend's birthday = Single man."

"Saying the wrong name during wedding = man beside Macho Man."

Wise sayings

Today, I would like to add a new theory (I'd like to call it one of those wise sayings/proverbs) of my own.

"The one who lives in the east, on a high floor with white curtains and large windows, awakens early."

And,

"The sun is like a gazillion light bulbs."

What did you say?

I was invited to a conference a while ago and it got pretty boring during one of the presentations from a professor from... well... I don't want to offend anyone so I'll just say that I believe that English wasn't the first language from where he came from.

Anyhow, to keep myself (looking) attentive, I began to pen down the things I heard him say, or thought I heard him say. I recently found the slip of paper and figured I should post it.

What I heard | What he meant

Vigit | Visit
Brad Pitt | Rapid
Waystern | Western
Caringian | Canadian
Shingle | Single
Lunch | Launch
Poo-ah | Poor
Two Guy | Tour Guide
Killed | Cured
Kill all the retard | Cure for old retirees
Au-bown | Outbound
Itch |Each
Bee-zer-ness | Business
O-pry-sian | Operation

I also discovered that when a customer service staff says "Sir, we'll contact you once we have a replacement ready for you.", they actually mean "HA! You FOOL!!".

And listening to your favourite song over and over while you're put on hold can cause you to hate it.

Today's thoughts

I feel that just like the enforcements on driving after drinking, there should also be enforcements on driving after studying for your advance mathematics paper. (or after watching Center Stage)

There should also be a law making it a mandate to take the car keys from your boyfriend or girlfriend after you've just informed him/her that your life will be better spent with someone else.

I also feel that the person who came up with "stop and smell the roses" was/is definitely not Singaporean. It takes the average Singaporean at least 40 mins to get to a nearby florist and another 40 minutes back. That would make it an hour and a half journey in the HEAT of Singapore just to get scolded by the florist.

That statement may work in countries like Australia where the weather is generally nice and wild flowers are aplenty. In Singapore, I would say that if someone used that statement on you, it was to piss you off.

A Liger

Although this may be old news to many of you, but I came across this today on the web and it's simply astounding. Pronounced Ly - ger, this animal's a cross between a Lion and a Tiger. And it's HUGE. It's the Shaquille O'neal of the cat kingdom. The one I saw was bred and raised in captivity and therefore APPEARED rather tame and loving to its trainers.

If it came here to Singapore (where I live), I would definitely like to ride on it (after purchasing diapers to contain the pee I would let out during the ride).

I also realised that windy days are not good days to hang out with friends who fart alot. And with proper timing and calculation (i.e wind velocity/trajectories), one can be the target of a fart bullet.

Fart bullets are known to inflict the following side effects:

Nausea
Vommitting
Fainting spells
Short term memory loss
Loss of appetite
Asthma
Shortage of breath
Sever coughing
Teary eyes
Convulsions
Tourettes Syndrome

Should any of these symptoms surface, please consult a martial arts expert on how to deal with the perpetrator.